Let’s get real here and quit keeping secrets. I read something this morning that really hit a nerve. “Secrets keep you sick. Eating disorders thrive on secrets.” Those who struggle with ED strive to keep their disorder a secret from others in every way possible. They hid their over exercising, negative behavior, binging, purging, under eating, etc. This secret is what keeps them going on and on with no end in sight. The person feeds off the secret and the secret relies on the person. Makes sense right?
I’ve mentioned that I have been struggling with an ED for many years. Since high school to be exact, roughly six to seven years now. I haven’t really gone into the nitty gritty about my ED other than my background and why I decided to write this blog. I may get really into the details on this post, just fyi if I begin to ramble
Over the last few weeks, I’ve been really trying to dig deep and figure out why I cannot kick this ED or learn more. I feel as though, I’ve been lying to my readers about my secret. How can I write a healthy living/running blog if I am sick myself? This all came up when I started thinking about why I didn’t become a dietitian or go further into the exercise science program while in college. The first reason was because I would be a hypocrite. Why do you ask? Because at this time, my ED was in full effect and how would I be able to tell/educate others in how they should eat or maintain their bodies when all I am doing is hurting mine. I couldn’t bare to do that, so I switched gears and go a Business Degree instead.
Moving forward, my ED has had its ups and downs. I’ve hit the bottom and moved on up since then, but lately I’ve been at a plateau. I still exercise the same amount everyday, because I feel that I have too in order to maintain my size. I know that you shouldn’t feel that you have too workout but instead want too. For me, I have/want to workout. There are no rest days, because I cannot handle the anxiety of changing up my routine. I want to be able to control everything from food to working out to my everyday activities. I cannot believe that I’ve let my ED restrict me from so many things. I wouldn’t go out to dinner for many years, because I didn’t know how many calories were going to be in my meal. Instead, I’d just workout like crazy beforehand and pray that I’ve burned off enough. I restricted my calorie intake throughout most of the day and mostly lived off protein and energy drinks. I lived off of one meal a day for many years. Let’s just say, I was well below the normal 1200-1400 caloric intake per day, especially adding exercise to the mix.
I know what I am saying is all bad and yes I know. I’ve heard it for years, and I have learned that by shinning the light on an issue can actually feed the issue. When people would say, “You look so skinny!” I’d take that as a compliment, when I know it isn’t truly. When friends would criticize what I ate, I turned that into them noticing and somehow twist it all around to not look as bad. It is almost like I thrived for that attention to my “secret.” Well, not so much of a secret anymore.
I’ve been told countless times to eat more protein for how much I workout. Or eat this, not that. Why aren’t you eating? You don’t need to run. Blah, blah, blah. It would result in me pretty much just crying and saying, “I know!” Someone lecturing me will do nothing. I am a stubborn person and only I will make the steps to change. Unfortunately, my ED has hurt my relationships with others and I am sorry for that. It is something that they may not understand fully of how much it can latch on.
Where I am going with this? I am not entirely 100 percent sure. I just want to be upfront with my readers that I am not perfect and I struggle every single day with my ED. There is a reason I don’t post what I eat everyday, because it isn’t good for me. One day, I would love too, but right now I cannot. I am learning more about myself and how I can get better overall. I still cannot step on a scale and do not want too. I know I’ve gained weight since my break up last year and I know it was for a good reason, but I do not want to know the number.
I want that confidence that others have and I will get that back. Creating this blog has helped alot. I can relate to many of my readers which shows that I am not alone.
Sorry for a depressing post, but it was time. Welcome to my life.